I’m sorry that I haven’t been coping enough to do anything.

I’ve been relying and leeching off people far too much, I’m sorry.
Since Dean has come out and taken over things, right from the start I knew that I’d need it for longer than ‘just a week or something’.
I barely do anything anymore. I don’t know if I ever did do anything.
I don’t feel like I’m even necessary. I’m so damn selfish, I want to change the body for my own needs. Why don’t I just leave and let Dean change the body to something stronger, then he can be happy and he can keep living. I don’t want to live most of the time, anyway. Everything hurts and I don’t even know why.
There are so many holes in every memory. Things I know I used to remember, but I just don’t anymore. Dean just tells me to leave it, I’m better off not knowing anything that happened.

I worry about him, but at the same time, I know he’s the strongest out of all of us. He should just do the living for me, he’s capable of it.
I’m so sorry that I can’t manage to talk to anyone or to do anything with anyone or even just be around them. I’m so scared of fucking it all up. I know it means so much to people, but that just makes the risks even worse. I just can’t be responsible for fucking it up. But then, I still am by not doing anything. I’m so fucking stupid, it just keeps going around in a loop. If I do something, then I worry about fucking up, so I do nothing. Then if I do nothing, it still gets worse. I just can’t help but fuck things up.
I just want to disappear. I’m too weak to handle this. Too weak to handle anything.
All I do is end up letting people down. I give them this false idea that I’m okay or that I can actually do something or be there for them, but then I find I can’t and have to leave it to Dean. I’m too weak to just sit around and do nothing all day without help. Even then, I’m just sitting further away, hiding behind Dean and he just acts how I would, so nobody knows the difference.
I can’t expect him to give up what he wants to look like, what he wants to do with his life and even just the way he acts, just so he can pretend to be me. I don’t even want to be me, why do I have to force it onto others?
I don’t even know what ‘me’ is. I just don’t know. I feel so fucking lost. 

I don’t do anything. I’m too weak to survive, so why do I even still have to be here. It hurts. It all fucking hurts and I don’t know what to do. 

Mother just came in and gave me my enrollment form and the money I need to get into the business course.

I feel bad now.

She doesn’t have that money. She didn’t tell me when I asked where she got it.

I don’t want her to be in debt because of me.

I don’t even need this course. It’d be good to have the certificate, yeah, but I don’t see it as worth getting her in debt.

But I know that giving me things is her way of showing affection, so I don’t know if I can give it back.

I was even considering just dropping school some time this term if it got too much to handle.
See, I could just do whatever work I actually wanted, and if I didn’t want to, I wouldn’t do it. If I get kicked out of school, I intended to drop out anyway. That perspective helped.

I have to stay now. I have to pass everything now.

I don’t know what to do…

I don’t know what I want…

Deep down, I don’t think I want help. Deep down, I want it all to fail. For the meds to make me worse, for the therapy to be pointless.
I want it to fail, so I’d have an excuse to die.

I’m not getting better, and I don’t know if I even want to. I guess I do, for other people, but not for me. For me, I really just want to give up. 

It’s kind of unsettling when the doctor asks how long you’ve been feeling this way, and you’re not entirely sure. Just sort of leaves you sitting there thinking ‘Well, shit. How long has it been?’ and trying to remember how long, or just trying to remember something.

I really can’t remember much at all, I have to think and think, then all that comes back are little things in ‘fun fact’ form. Most of the time, it’ll be a little voice giving me a little summary of what happened. I don’t know if that’s normal or not…
Well, apparently not normal to have memory blanks/such dodgy memory or whatever it is.
Sometimes, I suddenly feel all disoriented and try to remember what I just did ten minutes ago, I have a vague idea, but I’m not sure if it really happened or if it was one of the little hypothetical situations I think up.
While I’m questioning, is that normal? I’m almost always off in an alternate fantasy world thing, just toying with hypotheticals or conversing with imaginary people and such. 

But yes, anyway, apparently I’ve been like this since Cherry Farm. I would have been in grade 7 the first time.
Sounds about right, I guess. I don’t really remember anything from then other than summaries in verbal form, no real memories I can think of. But shit, that’s young.